a letter to my grandmother who is in heaven

Dear Nana,

It might be too late to say this thing, but i hope you'll receive it in heaven. i know there's no post office or facebook or twitter in heaven nor any internet connection but i hope that you'll read this message. Its my message for you, how i miss you and how sorry i am for arguing with my mother while you were in your hospital bed. I know it made you very uncomfortable when you were just trying to relax and be comfortable. I am having a hard time getting over the fact that i made the last time we were together a nightmare. I was having and still am having a hard time accepting you were going to be gone soon. I don’t know if i will ever be able to forgive myself, i feel terrible. People are telling me to find things i like about myself but how can i if i can’t even forgive myself. I feel like nothing i can do will make the situation that happened go away and be forgiven. That is the hardest thing to live with not hearing the words u forgive me.
 I was shock when i found out after i got off the train that you were in the hospital again...but this time you weren’t gonna make it out alive. However, for some reason i thought a miracle could happen and you would recover. But, it was to late. Your death It was too sudden that i never had the chance to say GOODBYE. I never even looked at your face inside the coffin because i want you to remain alive (still breathing and still strong) in my memory though i know I'm just lying to myself. I really wanted to cry during the funeral but i held my tears back . I saw my mom cry and my aunts. Yet, I'd tried my best not to let my tears escape from my eyes, because in my brain i thought there was still a chance you could wake up...but you didn’t.
I remember my trips to your house. I visited you almost daily, and sometimes I spent the night too. I remember all those fun memories with you. Baking cookies with you, taste testing them. We played board games and card games together. I remember I’d sit down with a stuffed animal tight in one arm as I watched you fix my sheets on the couch, and then tuck me in to make sure I was comfortable. I would sometimes spend the night at your house on weekends since my parents went away often. I remember every evening, before you went to bed yourself. You’d sit down and unwind by watching a game of, “Wheel of Fortune” on the TV. I’d watch with you, and we’d talk. It didn’t matter what we talked about, we just talked. I only somewhat remember the camp I went to, and you were always there to pick me up, but I was really young then.








I know you told meat the hospital, the last day I saw you. You told me that when you pass, to not be sad, but instead think about all the happy times i have had with you. I do, I think about them every night I lay in bed. I think about them when I pause from a busy day. It’s bittersweet! I know you are in a better place, and I wouldn’t want to wish you back from where you are. Heaven, I know you are at peace. But still…I wish you back. I can’t cry, and when I really pause to think about all those happy times with you, it makes me  want to cry, sad but happy tears. Again, it’s bittersweet. I miss you gram! I miss you a lot. Does God let you look down to see me once in awhile? I don’t know what it’s like up there, but you do. I wish you could tell me all about it. Also, if you can see me, I don’t want you to see me crying. I want you to see me smiling while I think of you. Whenever I’ve thought of what it’d be like to have a loved one pass away, it didn’t stir me up, because I never experienced such a thing, and I wondered if I would actually cry, but when you passed away. It stirred me up inside but i couldnt show it on the outside. because it happened to me. I have a reason to cry now, but I also have a reason to smile. You’ve made it through your journey gram! You made it! No more pain, sadness, you’ve been swept away into peace.
You needed to stick around for just a little longer. For us, I prayed, the family, my mom…me. You needed to stick around just a little longer for me as well. This year, when you went to the hospital, you knew your time was coming close. You didn’t need anybody to tell you this, and no matter how others tried to tell you otherwise. You knew it. It was your time to go! But you did not leave yet…until you let us visit you, and said goodbye one last time. I say our last time, because I truly believe we will meet again someday, in heaven, where we’ll never again have to tell each other goodbye. Gram, please hear these three words. You know I love you, but let me say it again.
I LOVE YOU & WILL NEVER FORGET MY BEST FRIEND AKA YOU!
Love,
Anna