My Voice

By Anna Krause

 

Listen: I have a voice. It is my own.

I did not install you as a little charm box

to hang in the back of my throat

and chime discordant when I send

wind from my sails up to the world

to produce sound – nor did

I rip a little patch of my soul from

the cathedral of strings inside my neck

and give it to you to own and

sound as you please.

 

Listen: you are not me.

Your muscles are not made of me,

and you did not build yourself from

my bones. And there are millions of us

that declare the same things of you while

we watch you,

a Percival patchwork constructed

from skin-made, empty-bellied idols

sewn together with fictions that once called us

changelings, fay, elves, and demons.

Trade pixie dust for false science –

the chemical mercurial that promises

to distill the fractured double-helixes

out of our bodies and make us,

aaahhh, normal, again – but the quest

is still the same: a cured us,

its Holy Grail song never failing to seduce

the bewildered and confused who declare

that something stole their children.

You think I’ve said too much?

I haven’t said enough.

Listen: my voice comes in fiction,

my voice comes in verse: for some of us,

our voices come in fingers spilling

electrical impulses forged in rainbow fashion

onto screens, translated into letter

and curve. Some of us only move lips

to eat, to breathe: for me, words live in my bones

but some days, won’t break surface.

A scream can shed my dissembling skin,

which I have worn all my life

to pretend to be like you: but

you are not me.

Don’t dare to declare to speak for me:

you call us golems, with tragedy carved

into our foreheads. Some of us thought

that we saw you try to rearrange your eyes

and see the spirits electric within us:

but we know now for certain

that was just a dream. Listen: don’t dare

to declare that you can speak for us.

Our voices lay just past the skin you call

broken and new, wrought into an epidemic –

but our roots lie ancient below earth

when soul first broke into sight though

hominid eyes. You can never hope

to impersonate us: the best you can do

is steal our places. Now listen to this:

we will not let you do that any longer.

Somebody Somewhere By Anna Krause

 

On the edge I ask myself, what will I lose,
To have lived in the depths of "well below zero,"
I grasped the tools to climb out,
And scream loudly to the world,
That I was all that I was, before never enough,
That with all I was, it wasn't fair enough
That I stayed there: a nobody nowhere.

Double Bind: Too Similar and Yet Too Different

By Anna Krause

 

Of course you can!
I have every confidence in the world in you.
It looks great.
Oh, I'm sure nobody noticed.
The people skills can change.
Just think positive.
You're a smart girl.

No, folks,
I'm not like you.
I don't want compliments.
I'm not normal.
You may not see it, but I do.
I only want understanding.
We all want what we can't have.

You'd be so good at this if only
you would look at customers
while they speak,
and still process their words
well enough to answer quickly,
giving them the information they really want,
not literal answers to the questions they ask.

If only I had a different brain?
They're not asking the difficult, you understand:
only that I change every atom of my DNA
so I can be part of their world,
on their terms;
give myself enough oxygen at birth;
trade my engineer dad for a socialite.

Seems like anybody would know to do that.
You need to learn how to work as a team.
You should be able to do exactly what we do,
exactly the way we do it.
I'm marking you down as negligent
until you learn to converse
in a manner that pleases your peers.

Our interests should be your interests.
Get married!
Go to rock concerts!
Well, OK, then -- classical, if you insist.
But everybody needs noise and crowds,
so dose yourself today.
Wear uncomfortable clothes, and we may begin to accept you.

I'm happy enough.
I've lived in this quirky body
long enough to be used to it.
You're the one with the problem.
Diversity is fashionable,
so I'm in style for once.
Because I look like you, you refuse to understand.

 

A character within 
By Anna Krause

As artist paints the sky a brilliant blue,
And adds a streak of silver to the cloud,
I slowly lay the background to my life
And feel a character--not shamed or proud.
This character is deep within, and is not held
In bondage to the rhythms of the crowd.
It knows within its fundamental flows
Of when to stay aloof, and move uncowed.
When held along with those who lost their soul,
This character, impervious, will stand unbowed;
And then, as time in silence moves ahead,
It sets what words, and when, will be allowed.

Rainbow Life

By: Anna Krause
 You may think I'm different
The way I think and play
But wouldn't life be boring
If all was the same way

See I will change this world
A little bit by bit
And when my life is over
This will be my gift

I'll leave the world a thinking
A mix of logic and my dreams
And there will be no limits
Nothing will seem extreme

Think of it like ice cream
Some are just vanilla
I'm a rainbow swirl
All colours a shimmer

The Other Side of Nowhere

By: Anna Krause
 On the other side of nowhere,
Lies an infinite expanse,
Of anything and everything
That doesn't make much sense.
I'm in here, and you're out there;
The picture keeps rewinding.

People laughing, crying, feeling...
I do not understand.
It's almost there within my reach;
But on the other hand,
I'm sliding, slithering, slowly slipping...
The tide has turned, and left the beach.

Pressing onward, pushing hard,
I cannot quit; I must move on.
My ragged feet have timeless trod
A land before, that lies beyond
Behind, sideways, and forward;
Strange and weird, bizarre and odd.

Shimmering meadows glazed in fog...
I see what others cannot hear.
My mindless mind is almost bare;
I stretch beyond Horizon's pier,
Precariously tottering on a log,
On the other side of nowhere...

My Name is Autism By: Anna Krause
 My Name Is Autism Hello. Allow me to introduce myself to you. My name is autism. Perhaps you know me or know of me. I am a condition, "disorder" that affects many people. I strike at will, when and where I want. Unlike Downs Syndrome or other birth "defects," I leave no marks on those I strike. In fact, I pride myself on the ability to infiltrate a child's life, while leaving him or her strikingly handsome. Many people may not even know I am there. They blame the child for what I cause him or her to do. I am autism and I do as I please.

I am autism. I strike boys and girls. infants and toddlers. I find my best victims to be boys around the age of 2, but any child will do. I like children and they are always the true victims, though I take hostage the others in the child's family as well. It is a bit like getting two for the price of one. I affect one child and "infect" the entire family.

I am autism. I strike rich and poor alike. The rich combat me with education and therapy. The poor shut their children away and cannot afford to fight me. I am able to win in the lives of poor children more than I am those of the wealthy, but I will try to take root anywhere.

I am autism. I am an equal opportunity disorder. I strike whites, blacks, Mexicans, Ukrainians, Russians, Poles, Slavs, Japanese, Koreans and Fins. In fact, I strike everywhere on Earth. I know no geographical bounds.

I am autism. I do not discriminate based upon religion either. I strike Jews and Christians, Muslims and Buddhists, Atheists and Agnostics. I do not care what religion a person is or what beliefs he may hold. When I strike, there will be little time for any of that anyway. When they find me, they will question everything they believe in, so why would I strike only one group? I have affected followers of every religion on the planet.

I am autism and I am strong and getting stronger every year, every month, every day, every minute and every second. I am concerned that money might be allotted to combat me and my takeover of children, but so far, I have little to fear. Some countries like Kuwait , are spending quite a bit of money to assist those who I have targeted and some, like the United States , would rather spend money on such ludicrous things as discovering the number of American Indians who practice Voodoo, as opposed to combating me. In an atmosphere such as that, I can flourish and wreck havoc at will. In places such as that, I rub my hands with glee at the problems I can cause to children, their families and to the society at large.

I am autism. When I come, I come to stay. I take the dreams and hopes of families and trample them with delight. I see the fear and confusion in the eyes of my victims and see the formation of wrinkles, the worries and pain on the face of their parents. I see the embarrassment their child causes because of me and the parents unsuccessful attempt to hide their child, and me. I see tears the parents cry and feel the tears of their child. I am autism. I leave sorrow in my wake.

I am autism. I taketh away and give nothing but bewilderment and loathing in return. I take speech and learning. I take socialization and understanding. I take away "common sense" and, if I am allowed to flourish, I take away all but their physical life. What I leave behind, is almost worse than death.

I am autism. I fear nothing except courage, which I thankfully see little of. I fear those who take a stand against me and attempt to fight me and bring others into the fight as well. I fear those who try to make it safe and easier for my victims in the community, and their families. I fear those who push ahead, despite the fact that I am in tow. I fear the day I will be eradicated from the planet. Yet, I do not fear too much right now. There is no need.

I am autism and I bet you know me or know of me. If you don't, you probably will soon. I am marching forward faster than I ever have before. I am looking for new children all the time. I am looking for new children to consume and new lives to destroy. I dread the day I will be looked upon with pity or worse yet, understanding, for that day, is the day I will begin to die.

But in the mean time I am safe, free to prowl onward. Free to cause the pain and suffering that I do so well. I am on a mission and have much work to do and thankfully no one is stopping me yet.

Hello. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is autism. Perhaps you know me or know of me, if not don't worry, you will meet me soon.

Do you like these IEPs?

By: Anna Krause

I do not like these IEPs
I do not like them, Jeeze Louise
We test, we check
we plan, we meet
but nothing ever seems complete.

Would you, could you
like the form?

I do not like the form I see.
Not page 1, not 2, not 3.
Another change,
a brand new box, I think we all
Have lost our rocks.

Could you all meet here or there?

We could not all meet here or there.
We cannot all fit anywhere.
Not in a room
Not in a hall
There seems to be no space at all.

Would you, could you meet again?

I cannot meet again next week
No lunch, no prep
Please here me speak.
No, not at dusk and not at dawn
At 4 p.m. I should be gone.

Could you hear while all speak out?
Would you write the words they spout?

I could not hear, I would not write
This does not need to be a fight.

Sign here, date there,
Mark this, check that,
Beware the student’s ad-vo-cat(e).

You do not like them
so you say
Try it again! Try it again!
and then you may.

If you let me be,
I’ll try again
and you will see.

Say!

I almost like these IEPs
I think I’ll write 6,003.
And I will practice day and night
Until they say
"You’ve got it right."

Walkin' That RoadBy: Anna Krause

 We were drivin' fast straight into the sun
We never noticed the approaching rain
Now everything that was once familiar
Feels so strange

Tossed off of the superhighway
Onto a long and dusty road
Without a map or a star to guide us
Back to our home

So this is where we�ll have to start
With tired eyes and broken hearts
But at least we're pointed in the same direction

And we'll be walkin' that road one step at a time
Mile after lonely mile
Until we find a place that's all our own
We�ll be walkin' that road

People stare as we walk on past them
Talk politely as they throw their stones
Point out our imperfections
So they can hide their own

But we have travelled much too far
To let them hold us back
There's a price to pay for slowing down to listen

CHORUS

After all that we have learned from being so far down
Though we may tire, complain, or stumble
We will never turn ourselves around

Reflection By Anna Krause
   I turn, I look.
I see the figure of a girl.
Is she happy?
Is she sad?
I wonder what she is thinking.

I smile.
The vision reflects
From the mirror in her mind.
She seems to mimic me.

I move closer
Her touch is cold.
A gentle fog forms between us.
Where has she gone?
I feel lost.

Looking closer, searching.
What am I looking for?
A Friend?
Someone who is caring?
Someone who is accepting?

I move away.
The fog slowly clears
I see her again.
I smile.
She smiles back.
I like the girl I see.
Could the girl in the mirror be me?

I stop and stare
She looks back
A small tear falls,
Silently down her cheek.
The girl in the mirror is sad.

She is different
Can they tell?
She wonders what they will think.
Are they accepting?
Will they laugh?
Will they just let her be?

I smile at her.
She smiles back.
I understand how she feels.
Words are confusing,
They make no sense
A world of mismatched emotion.

I look at her, she has gone blank.
Autism, is a world of confusion.
She seems to retreat into her inner most self,
A place that she understands.

A place where colours
Are brighter than light.
Where a pin drop is as loud as a drum
The smell of a rose is so intense,
That she hums and giggles and groans.

Where the light can dance,
On a fleck of dust.
Where she sees the music break free.
A place she feels that nobody knows
Nobody can understand.

The girl is back.
She puts out her hand,
I touch it, she smiles.
She understands that I know what its like
To live in a world so alone.

I take a step back,
And look around
And admire the girl I see.
She will be brilliant,
She will be fine.
The girl in the mirror is me.

Special Friend

by Anna Krause
  Sometimes in life, you find a Special Friend.
Someone who changes your life by being part of it.
Someone who makes you laugh until you can’t stop.
Someone who makes you believe there really is good in the world.
Someone who convinces you that there is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it.
This is forever friendship.
When you’re down and the world seems dark and empty,
Your forever friend lifts you up in spirit and makes the dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full.
Your forever friend gets you through the hard times, the sad times and the confused times.
If you turn and walk away, your forever friend follows. If you lose your way, your forever friend guides you and cheers you on.
Your forever friend holds your hand and tells you that everything is going to be okay.
And if you find such a friend, you feel happy and complete because you need not worry.
You have a Forever Friend, and forever has no end.

The Child I Could've Been

By Anna Krause
 Don't pine for the child I could've been
If Autism hadn't been part of me
I just want to be accepted
For I am and who I will be

Don't long for the child I could've been
I don't want you to think that I am less
I am simply a child with Autism...
And I'm striving to do my best

Don't ache for the child I could've been
If Autism hadn't touched your life
Don't let the pain run deep
So it cuts you like a knife

Don't ever try to change me
I'm happy the way that I am
I may think and act differently
But I'm doing the best I can

Don't smile when you want to frown
I will understand your pain
I know I don't intend to
But sometimes I can be a strain

Don't fool me with your laughter
If you feel you want to cry
I know you need to stay strong
But sometimes your eyes can lie

Don't think that I don't love you
Just because my words don't come
You've helped me through so much
And there's still more to overcome

Don't worry what the future holds
As together we'll stay strong
I am your child with Autism
And together we'll always belong

Every Child With Autism Is Different

By Anna Krause

 If you've met one child with Autism
Then that is all that you have met
Every child with Autism is different
And this you must never forget

They may share similar traits
But don't be fooled by what you see
They are unique individuals...
And as different as you are to me

They each have their own name
And their own personality too
So take time to get to know them
As they may just surprise you

They may have the same label
But that doesn't make them the same
Don't insult them with your ignorance
Take time to get to know them by name

Every child with Autism is special
And they may stand out from the rest
But they were simply born to be different
And they are striving to do do their best

The Journey of Autism

By Anna Krause

 

When you get the Autism diagnosis

Don't let it be the end

Autism is a journey

And it will twist and bend

 

It will send you to places

That you may not want to go

But don't be afraid of Autism...

Find out all there is to know

 

You may see some things

That you would prefer not to see

But you'll find hidden strengths

On this never ending journey

 

The route that you are on

May not be the one you had in mind

But there is still a world of adventure

For you to seek and find

 

And though some days you can't see it

When all the world looks bleak

You will find the strength within you

To face another day and another week

 

You may have no map to guide you

But you are sure to find your way

You're not alone on your journey

Others can help you through the day

 

Your dreams may seem more distant

But it doesn't mean they're out of sight

Don't give up hope and in the end

You'll see they're worth the fight

 

On the Autism journey

You'll learn and you'll become strong

You will come to realise

That most days are hard and long

 

But when you hear the word Autism

Don't fear it or think too far ahead

Just take each day at a time

Don't let the diagnosis fill you with dread

 

You will discover new meanings

And you'll find a way to cope

Through the good times and the bad times

There always will be hope

 

One Of A Kind

By Anna Krause

 You can't catch it
But there is no cure
Ask me questions
And I'll tell you more

It's not contagious
So don't run away
I live with Autism...
Every single day

It's not to be feared
Try to understand
Autism doesn't mean
We're from another land

We are simply different
But special and unique
So don't judge us
If we don't always speak

We are all individual
We're not all the same
I am one of a kind
And have my own name

Autism is a spectrum
Ranging from high to low
It varies so greatly
There is so much to know

If it hasn't touched you
Then one day it just might
So be one step ahead
By having a good insight

Don't live in ignorance
Open your heart and your mind
And you'll learn about Autism
And one of a kind

Ignorance Is Your Choice
By Anna Krause

 I am not invisible
So why do you treat me so?
You talk about me as if I'm not there
It makes the hurt inside me grow

I may not be able to speak out
If I'm feeling angry or sad
I may sometimes act unpredictably...
But it doesn't mean that I'm bad

Sometimes I'm just frustrated
That I'm often misunderstood
I would tell you how I'm feeling
If only I just could

I'm living in a world called Autism
Sometimes I want to be free
But please understand that Autism
Is only a part of me

I can hear the things you're saying
And I feel the pain inside
But just because I don't react
Doesn't mean I don't want it to subside

I didn't choose to have Autism
But ignorance is your choice
So don't feel big if you bully me
Just because I don't have a voice

I may have been born to be different
And stand out from the crowd
But it doesn't give you the right
To ridicule me out loud

I have unique abilities
And a personality of my own
I may not always be very sociable
I often like to be left alone

Being different makes me special
I'm one of a kind and you'll see
There's more to me than Autism
And I'm happy to be me

I'm Different To You

By Anna Krause

 I feel so lonely
And empty inside
Surrounded by others
But an urge to run and hide

I feel empty
So truly sad and blue
A constant reminder...
That I'm different to you

I feel pain
But find it hard to express
Exactly how I feel
And I often feel I'm less

I don't want to change
To be someone I'm not
I'm a person with feelings
And I sometimes hurt a lot

I know that life
Can sometimes be cruel
And so can people
When they treat me like a fool

I have Autism
And I'm different to you
Don't judge me or avoid me
Because I'm a person too

I'm Autistic

By Anna Krause

 I'm Autistic and I think differently
Things that affect me you may not even see
A crooked line or something out of place
Send me into meltdown, it shows upon my face

A sudden change in routine
Or a different route in the car
Are things I just can't handle...
Even if it does sound bizarre

My left shoe before my right shoe
Everything has to be just so
If my order is messed up
I'll be sure to let you know

It may be cold in the winter
But gloves I can't abide
Certain materials affect me
I can't take them in my stride

A distant sound or siren
Can send me into disarray
You may not even notice it
But I wish it would go away

I can't tolerate most foods
And I'm sensitive to touch
I don't like sudden movements
Or to be crowded too much

I have Autism but there's only one of me
Every person with Autism thinks differently
This is an insight into the life I live
Remember we're unique and have a lot to give

Autism Is Just A Word

By Anna Krause

 Autism will never be important
Until it happens to you
Then one day you'll realise
That it can touch you too

Autism will never matter
If it hasn't touched your soul
Until one day it finds you...
And changes your aims and your goal

Autism is just a word
And a diagnosis others receive
Be mindful of your actions
If this is what you believe

Autism touches so many
It could be your daughter or your son
You too could hear those words
That your Autism journey has begun

Autism isn't to be feared
It's to be researched and understood
If you prepare yourself you'll realise
That through bad times there's also good

So if one day you find yourself
Travelling on the Autism journey too
Please know that you're not alone
And realise that life still has hope for you

Autism Smiles

By Anna Krause

 Autism cries and Autism smiles
The Autism journey will go on for miles
It will take you to brand new places
And you'll meet many new faces

Autism laughs and Autism weeps
It's not going away, it's here for keeps
It will show you a brand new strength...
You'll protect your child at any length

Autism teaches and Autism grows
It will take you to highs and bring you to lows
The road will be tiring and it will be long
But Autism will show you how to be strong

Autism guides and Autism steers
There will be pain and there will be tears
But after the rain, there will be sun
And you'll realise your journey has just begun

Autism scares and Autism frights
It will give you endless sleepless nights
But you will somehow find a way
To see something good in every day

Autism strengthens and Autism shows
It will make you smile and bring you woes
But through the dark times you will see
That Autism is the start of a new journey

I'm Not Like You

By Anna Krause

 

I don't think like you do
But I feel the same as you
I may not show my pain
When you show pity or shame

I don't talk like you do
But I feel a lot inside
It hurts to be ignored...
And many times I've cried

I may not react like you do
But my feelings are still there
I often wish that others
Could be more Autism aware

I may not behave like you do
Being different is part of me
I wish others wouldn't judge
A disability that they can't see

I'm a person with Autism
And I strive hard to do my best
So please dont be judgemental
Because I'm different to the rest

Perfectly Different

By Anna Krause

 You don't know much about Autism?
Then let me tell you more
What it's like to live a day in my shoes
And how much we have to fight for

It's a long and winding journey
It is one that will never end
Just when you turn a corner...
Along comes another bend

Although I try really hard
Some days I struggle to cope
But through the difficult days
I always hold onto a glimmer of hope

Each individual with Autism
Is perfectly different and unique
Some Autistic people talk a lot
And some never learn to speak

But just because we have a label
It doesn't mean we are all the same
We all have our own personality
And we each have our own name

Being different can be challenging
It can make life harder to get through
Especially when certain people
Just don't seem to have a clue

If I don't respond when you talk to me
Don't think that I'm ignoring you
I may understand what you say
But communicating is hard for me to do

I can find social situations difficult
And I may react unpredictably
But I can't control my behaviours
And it's not that I'm being naughty

Autism is a spectrum condition
So don't think that you know me
From something you've read in a book
Or something you've watched on tv

I am a person with Autism
And I face challenges every day
But don't think that I wont be someone
Just because I don't react to what you say

On World Autism Awareness Day

By Anna Krause

 Today is World Autism Awareness Day
But it's only a day for you
Autism is with us every day
So spare a thought, please do

Life for us is an uphill struggle
We face challenges every day
Autism will always be with us
It will never go away

It's important to raise awareness
To help others understand
We also need acceptance
And a helping hand

Autism is a long journey
That will never come to an end
It has its ups and downs
It's a never ending bend

If you don't understand Autism
Please take some time to find out
It makes life so much easier
If people know what its all about

Don't be afraid of Autism
You never know when it may touch you
Today is World Autism Awareness Day
So spare a thought, please do

Proud To Be Me

By Anna Krause

 I don't want to be victimized
Or made to feel second best
Just because I am Autistic
It doesn't make me any less

I don't want to be the brunt
Of all your pointless jokes
I don't want to be ridiculed...
Bullied, teased or poked

I am my own person
With thoughts and feelings too
I may act a little different
But I'm just the same as you

I have emotions and feelings
That I can't always freely express
But it doesn't mean I don't understand
So why treat me as if I am less?

Does it make you feel bigger
When you look down on me?
If so then I truly pity you
For not having the eyes to see

Bullies have no place in life
So please leave, you wont be missed
No one should have to run and hide
From another cruel word or fist

I am a person with Autism
I was born to stand out from the crowd
But you will only ever be a bully
You'll never have a reason to be proud

Autism, You and Me

By Anna Krause

 Sniggers, points and stares
To us are nothing new
But would they be laughing
If they really knew

The challenges that we face
Every day and night
And the ignorance we ignore...
Because it's just not worth the fight

We were chosen for this journey
Although at times it can be rough
Because the weak ones wouldn't cope
But they knew we were strong enough

Autism is a life long condition
Awareness and acceptance are the key
Because people with Autism
Are really just like you and me

They are not objects to discuss
Or to be laughed at, prodded or poked
Autistic people have real feelings
And don't deserve to be the brunt of jokes

When we're out in public together
Our son can stand out in the crowd
We don't need people to judge us
Because he can't help shouting out loud

We carry Autism awareness cards with us
But no one ever takes the time to read
Because it isn't happening to them
They are very ignorant and selfish indeed

We live with Autism every single day
And we struggle some days more than others
Autism affects so many people's lives
It could be your sister or your brother

So the next time you're out and about
And you decide to ridicule, point and stare
Imagine if it were you in that position
And please make yourself Autism aware